One of my New Years Resolutions has been to be more selfish. I have a strong work ethic that borders on addiction. This compulsion to work to the death has seen me put my self-care right down the bottom of the list. I am not sure what I am trying to prove by working so hard. I feel this constant need to push and drive to assure others that I can get the job done. In doing so, I work to a pace that is a mad frenzy. The clients don’t thank me for it, I don’t get any financial benefits and the companies that I work for only raise the bar higher…
So why do I do it? What is the benefits for me? What is the pay off? Uncomfortable to reflect on given that the answers don’t paint a nice picture of my character. Maybe it is a sense of martyrdom. Maybe I do it to avoid feelings like loneliness? Maybe I have a massive ego that I need to constantly inflate? Whatever the answer is, it is not serving me well and I am ready to let it go. I am striving for balance in my life, in an attempt to improve my happiness and well-being. At the end of the year I am 39 and I want to be on the path to feeling fabulous at 40.
So at 4:45 I leave work (15 minutes after my expected time of departure). I drive to my son’s theatre class, get changed and set off for a power walk- Joe Rogan discussing game hunting and veganism in my ears. I have 30 minutes to pound the pavement before my son finishes class. After, a dinner at a local restaurant and then on to guitar class for my 11 year old. Swinging my arms I walk around Mermaid Beach, choosing to do the pavement rather than the beach, due to time constraints. I love walking outside: city; beach or bush. I walk a lot around the Gold Coast: beautiful beachsides at Burleigh, Miami and Mermaid, the gorgeous bushland in Springbrook and Mudgeeraba and lovely paths around Upper Coomera and Paradise Point.
On my way back to pick up my son, I see a couple and a child. Oh God. I remember him from Uni. Passionate kisses in stairwells after pub crawls and flirtatious dates in the Library after class. He was and is absolutely gorgeous. And so is his partner next to him. He was one of those guys that was so good looking that I could hardly make eye contact. I would feel my cheeks flush just looking at him. She is stunning, all blonde hair, tiny frame and blue eyes. He is still absolutely gorgeous and their little girl is the perfect reflection of both of them.
I have never been one of those people who have stayed in contact with their exes, hung out with them and gone to their weddings. And I have never understood the people that do. I mean, if they were that awesome, wouldn’t you still be with them? 95% of the time I end up hating my exes and wishing they moved overseas or got hit by a bus. This one was not a person that I was in a deep relationship with; merely a dalliance. But none the less, when I see an ex partner (in any definition of the word) is it wrong to want to be looking my best?
Either way, I end up becoming so flustered that I walk past the theatre school. Realising that I have gone too far and conscious of the time, I plug the address into google maps and find that I am 8 minutes from my destination. Shit! Half running I make it back to my son, only a couple of minutes late! I get into the car, feeling incredibly agitated. So much for self care! Next week I will make sure that I wear a hat and glasses and leave on time!